Magic Wand

“Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer or withdraw his unfailing love from me”        
~Psalms 66:20

Today my heart is breaking for a friend’s family. Many decisions need to be made and those decisions will impact the lives of all who are involved. It is times like this I wish I had a magic wand to where I could magically fix all things. It reminds me of a song that goes something like this:
 “I would wave it over me and over you and over all this crazy world and make it right. Oh and there’s so much I’d change if I could take the easy way. I would wave my magic wand. I would say the magic words. Working up a miracle, putting on a show. Changing what I thought to be unchangeable reality. The only way to really change is simple choices every day. Obey the Spirit-whisper in my soul. With the help of God, a little time can change a heart, renew a mind. Without a magic wand He’ll work a miracle…” ~Magic Wand by Chris Rice.
Oh how I wish I had one right now. But just like the last few lines say: CHOICES ARE THE ONLY REAL WAY OF FINDING CHANGE. I know I have made some stupid/dumb choices the past few months. But so does everyone else. This is part of a thing called humanity. But tuning our ears to the SPIRIT-WHISPER in our souls will make all the difference in the world. That is where true change comes from. I am trying with God’s nudge and help to listen to the Spirit’s gentle whisper. Some days are easier than others. Each day becomes easier and easier. I want to find a freedom that I have never known before.  Only when I completely fall in love with Christ will I have the capability to love another man with an unconditional love fully and completely. I want to get to that place but I know that I still have some work to do and I know that God still has some work to do in me, which would be easier if I had that magic wand. But each situation that arises in our lives is a stepping stone and is preparing us for the future. A “magic wand” is the easy way out during the hardest/longest nights. Your experiences will be lost and the future situations will seem impossible. Might be a quick-n-easy fix for the “right now” but the long haul will be harder than it needs to be. Listen for the Spirit’s whisper of direction and guidance.

Walking into the future

Well, everybody’s got a story to tell. And everybody’s got a wound to be healed. I want to believe there’s beauty here ‘cause oh I get so tired of holding on. I can’t let go, I can’t move on. I want to believe there’s meaning here.                       How many times have you heard me cry out “God please take this”? How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh, I need you. God, I need you now.                             Standing on the road I didn’t plan. Wondering how I got where I am. I’m trying to hear that still small voice. I’m trying to hear above the noise.                   How many times have you heard me cry out “God please take this”? How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh, I need you. God, I need you now.          -Plumb “I Need you Now”

This song has been ringing true to me for such a long time now. I have a story that needs to be told and wounds that need to be healed. And truth be told I am getting really tired of hanging on. I want to let go but I am frozen/stuck in life. I am trying to find the meaning and reasoning behind all this but my vision has become clouded and blurred. I feel as if I am standing here while the entire world around me continues to move. I am stinking in the sand with no escape that I can see in my future. “How many times have you heard me cry out “God please take this”? How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh, I need you. God, I need you now.” This has been my hearts cry for months now. Somehow, some way I keep moving and breathing. I found myself in a place that I never thought I would. I never imagined that I would end up in this place, standing on this road. Just trying to figure out how I detoured to this place of guilt, shame, and secrets. All I know is if I keep crying out, maybe, just maybe someone will hear me and stop to help. So there on that road of mud I sit waiting to be rescued by my Prince. I know he has been by to help me so many times, but I never accepted. Pride held me back. But today, March 5, 2013, I am ready and wanting to be rescued. I am ready to lay down my pride and my desires and passions so both hands are free to reach up and hold tight to my prince, my rescuer, my savor. What has changed you might be wondering? To be honest, I have no idea. All I know is I want to move forward in life and leave the past behind me and walk into the bright future that is waiting for me. No more looking into the past and dwelling on it. It is time to move forward, to see the mistakes and learn from them and continuing moving forward.

Psalms 65:1-5
What mighty praise, O God, belongs to you in Zion. We will fulfill our vows to you, for you answer our prayers. All of us must come to you. Though we are overwhelmed by our sins you forgive them all. What joy for those you choose to bring near, those who live in your holy courts. What festivities await us inside your Holy Temple. You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds, O God our savior, You are the hope of everyone of earth, even those who sail on distant seas.

Amazing how surprised I am that each day the Bible speaks right into my heart of what I am dealing with. LIVING BIBLE. It is alive and it still speaks to us today. 

Walk through Galatians

“Jesus gave his life for our sins, just as God our Father planned, in order to rescue us from this evil world in which we live.”          -Galatians 1:4

My LIFE was paid for with a high price. I am a valuable person/individual. I need to start living like it. I need to get this through my head. Somehow it needs to connect.

I don’t recognize myself anymore. I don’t know who the person in the mirror is looking back at me. I have loss my sense of purpose and who I am. I feel used, unwanted, unworthy, and trashed. I am ashamed of who I have become. I am ashamed of my feelings on myself. If I can’t love myself then who is going to love me? If I am not willing to learn to love myself, why would anyone else want to try and love me? I need to discover what love is and what it looks like. The only true love that I know of comes from Christ alone. My head knows all of this, but my head and heart and actions don’t connect right now. I have been spiraling out of control for awhile now and I am just tired of not getting it and putting on this fake mask of who everyone wants me to be. I have become addicted to a silent killer.

“My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” – Galatians 2:20

If I really believe this, then I need to live like I believe this whether anyone is watching me or not. I need to make some changes in my life. I need to cleanse my heart, my mind, and my soul. I need to rewire my life to be completely in tune with God’s wants and desires for me. And not listen to what my flesh wants. Daily I need to die to my flesh and pick up my cross and boldly walk with Christ. I need to do this first and foremost to even begin to fathom what love truly is. The world today has completely warped the idea of love. I need my eyes to be opened to what God’s love truly is and how it is shown in its most true and purest form.

“It is through faith that a righteous person has life.” This way of faith is very different from the way of the law which says, “It is through obeying the law that a person has life.”      ~Galatians 3:11b-12

Faith has become so hard for me right now. I am becoming a person who has very little faith. I don’t like it, but that is where I have ended up. Logically I look around and I don’t see things the way I used to see them. I am having a hard time seeing things the way God wants me to see them. I see the facts and the science behind things. And sometimes TRUTH seems so far away and distant. I don’t understand why I have become like this or how I got to this place. But all I know is that I am scaring myself being in this spot. Every single day I feel as if I lose more faith and try to become a better person. Try to fix myself. And I know it isn’t working but it has become comfortable. I keep going back to how do I become this person, when I am able to teach kids about faith and truth and God. But my head and heart are disconnected right now. How does that happen? Faith and Grace alone can save me. I have to find that again. I have to find that passion and desire again. I am just stuck on how to find it. Somehow the flame needs to be reignited in me again.

“Is there a conflict, then, between God’s law and God’s promise? Absolutely not! If the law could give us new life, we could be made right with God by obeying it. But the Scriptures declare that we are all prisoners of sin, so we receive God’s promise of freedom only by believing in Jesus Christ”  
                            ~Galatians 3:21-22

I am a prisoner of my sins and my bond has been paid for, but I keep dwelling in prison cell. I have forgotten what freedom really looks like and feels like. I have become so used to the things around me that I have grown numb to them. “It’s the way it’s always been and I’m just always gonna be that way”. NO! I have to change the mentality of my thinking. I need to find my faith again. Somewhere along this journey of life, I lost a lot of it and I need to fill my “supply” again.

Lord – Help me find the faith I need. Help me to completely seek you and to only focus on you. I have had some many distractions this past year and a half Lord that I don’t know me anymore. I have lost focus on you and our relationship. I am sorry and I ask for forgiveness. Father, help me to run to you in every situation that occurs whether big or small, good or bad. Help me to remember to always draw near to you, because you promised you would draw near to me.

“And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, “Abba, Father.” Now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child. And since you are hiss child, God has made you his heir.”                   -Galatians 4:6-7

I know Jesus has paid the entirety of my debt and the price was huge. He paid it so I would not have to be a slave to my flesh. But at times I have deliberately chosen to be a slave. To not live in the freedom that God’s Son purchased for me at such a high cost. Other days; however, I live in total freedom and then the next my world/life comes crashing in on me. Why do I turn back to my “slavery”? I believe that it is because there is a comfort that is with our bondage. It is what we have become accustomed to and most times it brings us pleasure for that small measure of time. Is it worth it? Is it worth abandoning and throwing the priceless gift that I was given aside for the pleasure of this world? Is it worth it? If I am truthful with myself, the times when I have thrown this precious gift aside and into the mud/dirty the momentary satisfaction seemed to be enough to justify my actions. However, just like a one night stand, many regrets and “what was I thinking” thoughts would flood my mind. I am changing my mentality. I will protect the precious gift I was given. It is things like these that make life worth living and loving. It’s the strides we take forward and the progress we make daily in our lives to maintain the relationship we have built with Christ and those around us. I am beginning to see that until my relationship with Christ is where it needs to be, all other relationships will have a void that cannot be filled.

“Dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to live as I do in freedom from these things…”-Galatians 4:12

Why is freedom so hard to comprehend? It is something most people desire to have but so many are afraid of the price that is required of them to obtain the freedom which they so desperately seek. Whether we are seeking an emotional, spiritual, or physical freedom, many are paralyzed by the fear of the unknown cost and consequences that freedom requires. For a person who has lived the majority of their life bound by chains, freedom is a difficult change. Chains become a comfort. It becomes our identity and it begins to become the one thing we rely on to tell us who and what we are. Paul urges us not to return to those chains, rather to continue living a life full of freedom. A freedom that brings hope, peace, joy, and love.

“So Christ has truly set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don’t get tied up again in slavery to the law”                  ~Galatians 5:1

To me the “law” is anything that keeps you in bondage and keeps you from growing more intimate with Christ. The “law” is chains and shackles that we have and at times put on ourselves. The “law” looks different to everyone it comes in contact with. What is keeping me from a more intimate relationship with God? What is holding me back?  What steps am I willing to take to rectify the relationship? What do I need to give up to find that desire and passion in my life again?

Lord – Reveal to me what things need to be changed in my life. The things I have replaced you with. I want to make you the foundation of my life and of my love. I know things in my life need to change. I have taken some steps, but most of those have been minimal sacrifices that didn’t really effect/matter to me to much anyway. I need your help. I am at the bottom and don’t know where to go from here. Guide me in the direction and path you want me to walk in. I want my life to be solely and completely about you. My focus to be on you alone with no distractions. I want to be all that I can be and right now I know that I am selling myself short. I need to change my mentality and how I view myself and how you view me. Help me reach the place you have for me and the place where I want to go. Do more than I can think, dream, and imagine.

Broken and Healing

Brick by brick the walls I built begin to crumble

Frantically I try to repair my walls with no success

Knowing that once my wall completely crumbles

My refuge and safe place is forever in ruins

In search of a new refuge amongst the rubble

All I manage to do is stumble about and battered and bruised I become

Every fear and failure present, every dream and self ambition a counted for

Tears begin to race down my face as every comfort has been stripped away

To my knees I fall as helplessness begins to take over my being

Looking to the sky I cry aloud for help, for a healing touch – a saving grace

While still uttering my plea, I hear someone sifting through the ruins

Slowly I turn to see who has answered my cries, afraid it’s just a dream

Cautiously I move towards him, watching his every move as he works

Continuing to break down the walls, I scream in disbelief

My protection, My hiding place – disappearing

Revealing my soul, my inner being

Slowly he turns to me and says “You cried for help, so let me!”

I sit down amongst my comforts and just watch in disbelief at this scene

These were the bricks that defined me, that made me who I was

Could it be that I really didn’t know who I was supposed to be?

For years I worked so hard to define my life

To build and maintain my wall of perfection and protection

As I sat watching, I realized how exhausted I had become

I had no stamina to protest, to prove my point, to show him I knew best

I tried to take in what exactly was happening but my eyes failed me

Then I heard him say listen with your heart, My Child

The kiss of the cool breeze on my face, the orchestra and choir of nature

I begin to let go of who I thought I was and sink into the rubble of myself

Slowly I reopen my eyes, again afraid it was just a dream, only to find nothing

All my dreams and desires, my plans and comforts – all gone

Frantically I search for something – only to find nothing but him – my rescuer

He just smiles and opens his arms

Cautiously I walk towards him, still wondering if it is all a dream

Looking into his eyes, I see who I truly am – who I was created to be

Side by side he shows me how to live, how to survive this new life

No more walls, No more masks are needed

For I found where my true comfort and refuge is

I found it in my Lord, my Savior Jesus Christ

Crazy LOVE

2011, so far, is the year for Crazy Love. And I am not just talking about the book by Francis Chan, which I might add is an excellent read. It is the year that I have begun to see the Love that the God has for me and each and every single person on this planet we call Earth. I believe that it is also a year to wake up and realize what all is going on around our lives. To see our neighbors, our coworkers, and the people at the gas station beside us with the eyes of God. Which brings a song to my mind called Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath.

Just imagine with me what the world would look like if we all had the eyes/heart of Christ. Would we begin to see instead of just looking? Would we listen instead of just hearing? Would we begin to realize that the somebody who will get to the needs in others lives is US. That we are a somebody and that we need to step up to the plate and swing with all our strength. The real question is, are we ready to become somebodies instead of nobodies. If you are ready, then watch out because God is ready for you to be His hands and feet to the world.

In January, a friend and I began teaching a small group class over the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It is a book that is for people who are ready to step into their roles of somebodies. Our small group turned into one of young adults, who like us, were looking and wanting more out of life. Searching for people willing to go along the somebody path with them. To be the helping had for when we trip and fall and can hardly get back up again. It became a time of where we were learning from each other. It gave us the opportunity to minister to each other and to become, like Flatirons Church always says, a “me too” place. And through all of this we began to slowly come to grips of what the Love of Christ really is. That it was and is so much more than the mushy, gushy feelings that make us feel all nice and warm inside. It was a love that said I love you so much that I am willing to take a death sentence for you so that you and I can spend time together. It meant that I was getting something that I did not deserve, something that should not have been mine in the first place. Because of this Crazy Love, I am able to have a taste of it, a taste that will never leave. I was FORGIVEN!

So now that I have this thing called Crazy Love, what do I do with it? We have two options. It can be come that best kept secret in our lives, or it can become the very nature of who we are as individuals. Here is where we decide to become somebodies or nobodies. Nobodies are those who have the best kept secret and it remains just that. The best kept secret. Or we can decide to become somebodies with big mouths and take this ‘secret’ to our families, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and of course the people at the gas station. The best way to do this is not through our words, but through our actions. Just like mom would always say, ‘actions speak louder than words’. The only way to truly show our Crazy Love secret is to live it out each and everyday. To become Crazy Love.

During a particular struggle/dark time, God challenged me to take a Love Dare with Him. To learn, to see, to know His love for me. Each day new things came into light to show me the love He had for me. My eyes were opened to new things. I not only began to see myself in a new light, but I began to see those around me differently as well. I began to see them as God had created them to be, and that sometimes people forget who God created them to be. To step back in those times and fall to my knees in prayer. The hardest lesson that I began to learn was that what I wanted and the things that God wanted for me didn’t always line up. I wanted the right things in life, but the things God wanted for me were ten times better. I also began seeing that God’s timing really is always the best. Now I am not saying that this was a new concept for me, but some how I had always known this in my head but it never connected in my heart. Finally, through a Love Dare, that I am still working on, the connection between my head and heart was finally made. If I wanted any type of perfection in my life, I had to wait on God’s timing. Anything I tired would fall way short of perfection. Ultimate perfection, I will add, will only be achieved in Heaven and what a glorious day that will be!

Jesus Freaks!!!!

Jesus Freak! What does that mean to me? What is my definition of a Jesus Freak? To me it is someone who is so sold out to God that nothing else matters in their lives. It is someone, who every single time you look upon that person you see God reflecting in their life. Someone so utterly in love you Jesus that nothing else seems to be enough for them.

So now my question to myself is, Am I a Jesus Freak? I seriously had to stop and ponder on this question. I had to go back to the statements I had just made about what a Jesus Freak was.

Am I sold out to God to the point of where nothing else in my life matters? YES!

Does God reflect in my life, at all times? ……I believe so.

So do I consider myself a Jesus Freak? Yes.

Now for the real question, does this make me strange? Of course it does. I am living my life completely opposite of what the world thinks is cool and correct. But that is what God also warned us about. We will be different and like aliens in our own worlds. Take for example Jesus, no one in his hometown liked him. He was the strange one, the crazy one, who should have been put into a nutty house. He was just plain weird. But he was okay with that, because he knew the mission that he was suppose to carry out. So here comes my next question.

Does it bother me? I would love to say no. I love being different and not fitting in at all. Only half of that statement is true. I love to be different, because that is what makes me unique. That is what makes me, me. That is what makes you, you. However, do I do not like not fitting in, no. I hate it. I want to be loved, I want to be accepted. I have my whole life. Slowly, but surely I am being to see that God didn’t call us to be comfortable I our own small little lives, He called us to accomplish his mission of spreading his world. Or in my words, to be Jesus Freaks. To reflect him daily. To be sold out completely.

So how do we get there? How do we get the honor to be called a Jesus Freak? And yes it is an honor that is not to be taken lightly. You find mentors. I have been so blessed to have found some of the world’s best mentors in life. Bobbie Jo has lead and helped me through so many areas in my life. She has been there every step of the way in many areas of life. Jacob and Leslie have been there as well, showing me how to become a Jesus Freak, and how to stand firm in all that I do. They have showed me how to love those around me and to appreciate the little things in life, how to wait upon the Lord and his sweet timing. I have to say right now I am so grateful to each one. Thank you!

A Jesus Freak, in my eyes, loves to eat, but not the physical food that you are thinking of right now. We love to eat the Word of God, to receive our daily portion of protein. How can we expect to get ‘on with our bad selves’ if we are weak spiritually and have no energy. We need God’s help and power, which we get through his Word, through an intimate relationship with him, and by walking step for step with him.

I am not saying that this is going to be easy to do. It the opposite, it’s hard to accomplish. It takes dedication, willingness to submit, courage, and trust. It will take all that you have within you to do become a Jesus Freak. However once you do accomplish it, it will be the most rewarding experience of your life. You will feel a freedom that you have never before. You will see things in a light that you had never seen before. You experience life in a way you have never before.

HEARTACHES and RAINBOWS

Wow its been awhile. I decided to update this tonight. Couldnt really get to sleep, so i decided that this was the next best thing to do. As i am typing this, some many things are going/racing through my head. I have been realizing just how crazy life can get and sometimes its to crazy for my liking. But i just try and keep my head up and keep on trucking through life and try and make it to that next rest stop where i can finally find rest in HIM.

God has blessed me with wonderful relationships. I adore each one of them and each one has a different meaning to me. I cant thank God enough for my mentor that He has brought in my life. Bobbie Jo Dinkel. The most amazing woman that i have ever meet. She has counciled me through so many different things in just the short time that i have known her. And i love her very much. I have also meet one of my best friends since moving out here. He has been there no matter how crazy i get or my life gets, which is new and amazing for me. For anyone who is struggling in life, find that one or two people that can make you smile no matter the situation and who will come a minutes notice. Once you have found these people, dont loose them and cherish every moment that you have with them. I truly dont know what i would do without them. My life wouldnt be the same that i know for sure.

However, one thing that i have come to know is that life is not without heartaches. Some of them are more significant than others. But each on effects us. Many times we think that we can get through life by just patching our hearts up and we think that that small piece of duck tape will work. I have yet to find that true. If you have, please let me know how you do it cause i would love to know to accomplish this. Back to heartaches. Why do we have to have them has been on of my biggest questions lately and what in the world am i suppose to take out of them. Over this past summer, many things have changed for. Friendships, family relationships, my relationship with God. However, not all of them have been bad. Some have been though. Many of these relationships have come to a halt. Friends and family. My walk with God has grown tremendously because of the halts. He has been the one that has been there the entire time. Through this time i have come to the conclusion that i am done with games. I am NOT playing the game of competition for a friendship. I am NOT making a person i care for choose me or someone else. I CANT do that and I WONT do that. I would rather loose a friendship than make a person choose. Which has made somethings come to a halt for me, but i know somewhere in this dark shadow there is a rainbow and things will get better. But that doesnt mean i dont have a broken heart. By doing this my heart breaks everytime, but knowing that my friend is happy and satisfied brings me the joy/rainbow for my life.

I want to thank all of my friends that i have in my life. You guys have made me who i am. Please dont every change for anything cause you are exactly who i love and you are exactly who God made you to be. I pray that God blesses each one of you in a mighty way and protects you from heartaches.

If you are reading this and struggling with something in your life and want/need someone to listen, please share your story. I want to know. I want to be that RAINBOW in your life. Know that there is someone who does care about you and loves you. And if you want to i would love to introduce you to one of my best friends. He is an amazing person and will love you now matter what. His name is Father, Jesus, The Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. He is my Savior and Lord, my Comforter and most of all my FRIEND. And he wants you too!!!!!!!!