Broken and Healing

Brick by brick the walls I built begin to crumble

Frantically I try to repair my walls with no success

Knowing that once my wall completely crumbles

My refuge and safe place is forever in ruins

In search of a new refuge amongst the rubble

All I manage to do is stumble about and battered and bruised I become

Every fear and failure present, every dream and self ambition a counted for

Tears begin to race down my face as every comfort has been stripped away

To my knees I fall as helplessness begins to take over my being

Looking to the sky I cry aloud for help, for a healing touch – a saving grace

While still uttering my plea, I hear someone sifting through the ruins

Slowly I turn to see who has answered my cries, afraid it’s just a dream

Cautiously I move towards him, watching his every move as he works

Continuing to break down the walls, I scream in disbelief

My protection, My hiding place – disappearing

Revealing my soul, my inner being

Slowly he turns to me and says “You cried for help, so let me!”

I sit down amongst my comforts and just watch in disbelief at this scene

These were the bricks that defined me, that made me who I was

Could it be that I really didn’t know who I was supposed to be?

For years I worked so hard to define my life

To build and maintain my wall of perfection and protection

As I sat watching, I realized how exhausted I had become

I had no stamina to protest, to prove my point, to show him I knew best

I tried to take in what exactly was happening but my eyes failed me

Then I heard him say listen with your heart, My Child

The kiss of the cool breeze on my face, the orchestra and choir of nature

I begin to let go of who I thought I was and sink into the rubble of myself

Slowly I reopen my eyes, again afraid it was just a dream, only to find nothing

All my dreams and desires, my plans and comforts – all gone

Frantically I search for something – only to find nothing but him – my rescuer

He just smiles and opens his arms

Cautiously I walk towards him, still wondering if it is all a dream

Looking into his eyes, I see who I truly am – who I was created to be

Side by side he shows me how to live, how to survive this new life

No more walls, No more masks are needed

For I found where my true comfort and refuge is

I found it in my Lord, my Savior Jesus Christ

Crazy LOVE

2011, so far, is the year for Crazy Love. And I am not just talking about the book by Francis Chan, which I might add is an excellent read. It is the year that I have begun to see the Love that the God has for me and each and every single person on this planet we call Earth. I believe that it is also a year to wake up and realize what all is going on around our lives. To see our neighbors, our coworkers, and the people at the gas station beside us with the eyes of God. Which brings a song to my mind called Give Me Your Eyes by Brandon Heath.

Just imagine with me what the world would look like if we all had the eyes/heart of Christ. Would we begin to see instead of just looking? Would we listen instead of just hearing? Would we begin to realize that the somebody who will get to the needs in others lives is US. That we are a somebody and that we need to step up to the plate and swing with all our strength. The real question is, are we ready to become somebodies instead of nobodies. If you are ready, then watch out because God is ready for you to be His hands and feet to the world.

In January, a friend and I began teaching a small group class over the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It is a book that is for people who are ready to step into their roles of somebodies. Our small group turned into one of young adults, who like us, were looking and wanting more out of life. Searching for people willing to go along the somebody path with them. To be the helping had for when we trip and fall and can hardly get back up again. It became a time of where we were learning from each other. It gave us the opportunity to minister to each other and to become, like Flatirons Church always says, a “me too” place. And through all of this we began to slowly come to grips of what the Love of Christ really is. That it was and is so much more than the mushy, gushy feelings that make us feel all nice and warm inside. It was a love that said I love you so much that I am willing to take a death sentence for you so that you and I can spend time together. It meant that I was getting something that I did not deserve, something that should not have been mine in the first place. Because of this Crazy Love, I am able to have a taste of it, a taste that will never leave. I was FORGIVEN!

So now that I have this thing called Crazy Love, what do I do with it? We have two options. It can be come that best kept secret in our lives, or it can become the very nature of who we are as individuals. Here is where we decide to become somebodies or nobodies. Nobodies are those who have the best kept secret and it remains just that. The best kept secret. Or we can decide to become somebodies with big mouths and take this ‘secret’ to our families, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and of course the people at the gas station. The best way to do this is not through our words, but through our actions. Just like mom would always say, ‘actions speak louder than words’. The only way to truly show our Crazy Love secret is to live it out each and everyday. To become Crazy Love.

During a particular struggle/dark time, God challenged me to take a Love Dare with Him. To learn, to see, to know His love for me. Each day new things came into light to show me the love He had for me. My eyes were opened to new things. I not only began to see myself in a new light, but I began to see those around me differently as well. I began to see them as God had created them to be, and that sometimes people forget who God created them to be. To step back in those times and fall to my knees in prayer. The hardest lesson that I began to learn was that what I wanted and the things that God wanted for me didn’t always line up. I wanted the right things in life, but the things God wanted for me were ten times better. I also began seeing that God’s timing really is always the best. Now I am not saying that this was a new concept for me, but some how I had always known this in my head but it never connected in my heart. Finally, through a Love Dare, that I am still working on, the connection between my head and heart was finally made. If I wanted any type of perfection in my life, I had to wait on God’s timing. Anything I tired would fall way short of perfection. Ultimate perfection, I will add, will only be achieved in Heaven and what a glorious day that will be!

Jesus Freaks!!!!

Jesus Freak! What does that mean to me? What is my definition of a Jesus Freak? To me it is someone who is so sold out to God that nothing else matters in their lives. It is someone, who every single time you look upon that person you see God reflecting in their life. Someone so utterly in love you Jesus that nothing else seems to be enough for them.

So now my question to myself is, Am I a Jesus Freak? I seriously had to stop and ponder on this question. I had to go back to the statements I had just made about what a Jesus Freak was.

Am I sold out to God to the point of where nothing else in my life matters? YES!

Does God reflect in my life, at all times? ……I believe so.

So do I consider myself a Jesus Freak? Yes.

Now for the real question, does this make me strange? Of course it does. I am living my life completely opposite of what the world thinks is cool and correct. But that is what God also warned us about. We will be different and like aliens in our own worlds. Take for example Jesus, no one in his hometown liked him. He was the strange one, the crazy one, who should have been put into a nutty house. He was just plain weird. But he was okay with that, because he knew the mission that he was suppose to carry out. So here comes my next question.

Does it bother me? I would love to say no. I love being different and not fitting in at all. Only half of that statement is true. I love to be different, because that is what makes me unique. That is what makes me, me. That is what makes you, you. However, do I do not like not fitting in, no. I hate it. I want to be loved, I want to be accepted. I have my whole life. Slowly, but surely I am being to see that God didn’t call us to be comfortable I our own small little lives, He called us to accomplish his mission of spreading his world. Or in my words, to be Jesus Freaks. To reflect him daily. To be sold out completely.

So how do we get there? How do we get the honor to be called a Jesus Freak? And yes it is an honor that is not to be taken lightly. You find mentors. I have been so blessed to have found some of the world’s best mentors in life. Bobbie Jo has lead and helped me through so many areas in my life. She has been there every step of the way in many areas of life. Jacob and Leslie have been there as well, showing me how to become a Jesus Freak, and how to stand firm in all that I do. They have showed me how to love those around me and to appreciate the little things in life, how to wait upon the Lord and his sweet timing. I have to say right now I am so grateful to each one. Thank you!

A Jesus Freak, in my eyes, loves to eat, but not the physical food that you are thinking of right now. We love to eat the Word of God, to receive our daily portion of protein. How can we expect to get ‘on with our bad selves’ if we are weak spiritually and have no energy. We need God’s help and power, which we get through his Word, through an intimate relationship with him, and by walking step for step with him.

I am not saying that this is going to be easy to do. It the opposite, it’s hard to accomplish. It takes dedication, willingness to submit, courage, and trust. It will take all that you have within you to do become a Jesus Freak. However once you do accomplish it, it will be the most rewarding experience of your life. You will feel a freedom that you have never before. You will see things in a light that you had never seen before. You experience life in a way you have never before.

HEARTACHES and RAINBOWS

Wow its been awhile. I decided to update this tonight. Couldnt really get to sleep, so i decided that this was the next best thing to do. As i am typing this, some many things are going/racing through my head. I have been realizing just how crazy life can get and sometimes its to crazy for my liking. But i just try and keep my head up and keep on trucking through life and try and make it to that next rest stop where i can finally find rest in HIM.

God has blessed me with wonderful relationships. I adore each one of them and each one has a different meaning to me. I cant thank God enough for my mentor that He has brought in my life. Bobbie Jo Dinkel. The most amazing woman that i have ever meet. She has counciled me through so many different things in just the short time that i have known her. And i love her very much. I have also meet one of my best friends since moving out here. He has been there no matter how crazy i get or my life gets, which is new and amazing for me. For anyone who is struggling in life, find that one or two people that can make you smile no matter the situation and who will come a minutes notice. Once you have found these people, dont loose them and cherish every moment that you have with them. I truly dont know what i would do without them. My life wouldnt be the same that i know for sure.

However, one thing that i have come to know is that life is not without heartaches. Some of them are more significant than others. But each on effects us. Many times we think that we can get through life by just patching our hearts up and we think that that small piece of duck tape will work. I have yet to find that true. If you have, please let me know how you do it cause i would love to know to accomplish this. Back to heartaches. Why do we have to have them has been on of my biggest questions lately and what in the world am i suppose to take out of them. Over this past summer, many things have changed for. Friendships, family relationships, my relationship with God. However, not all of them have been bad. Some have been though. Many of these relationships have come to a halt. Friends and family. My walk with God has grown tremendously because of the halts. He has been the one that has been there the entire time. Through this time i have come to the conclusion that i am done with games. I am NOT playing the game of competition for a friendship. I am NOT making a person i care for choose me or someone else. I CANT do that and I WONT do that. I would rather loose a friendship than make a person choose. Which has made somethings come to a halt for me, but i know somewhere in this dark shadow there is a rainbow and things will get better. But that doesnt mean i dont have a broken heart. By doing this my heart breaks everytime, but knowing that my friend is happy and satisfied brings me the joy/rainbow for my life.

I want to thank all of my friends that i have in my life. You guys have made me who i am. Please dont every change for anything cause you are exactly who i love and you are exactly who God made you to be. I pray that God blesses each one of you in a mighty way and protects you from heartaches.

If you are reading this and struggling with something in your life and want/need someone to listen, please share your story. I want to know. I want to be that RAINBOW in your life. Know that there is someone who does care about you and loves you. And if you want to i would love to introduce you to one of my best friends. He is an amazing person and will love you now matter what. His name is Father, Jesus, The Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. He is my Savior and Lord, my Comforter and most of all my FRIEND. And he wants you too!!!!!!!!

Youth Confrence

This past weekend Calvary Gospel Youth went to Hays, Kansas to a the Cross Current Youth Conference. This year the theme was Saturate. At first i was like cool sounds great, the youth should be able to get alot out of it and i could take a day off of work. Lame i know......but at that time that was how i was feeling. We get there and the atmosphere surrounding this place was amazing. Everyone was pumped up and ready to get with God. And my attitude began to change. I began to feed off of our kids and the excitement that was around us. I ended up going with the Jr High Students. The messages that were given were amazing and straight to the point. Talking bout what comes in will come out. So be careful of what you are watching and reading and listening. I began to think about what are things that i am in taking? Are the uplifting and praising my King or are they things that i would be ashamed of if HE was listening or standing right next to me.

One of the coolest things i witnessed with the Jr. Higher Students was the development of their leadership skills. The first session i witnessed kids who were timid and not want to stick out to much to a the last session of i dont care who sees me im gonna praise my Lord. I was amazed and praising God right with them. I have never felt more satisfied as i do know. Knowing that youth ministry is where God is calling me and that this time in Goodland is a season of training and one day....one sweet day some thing amazing is going to happen. Not quite sure what that is yet, but all i know is that i cant wait for that to happen.

WOW!!! MY LIFE

Oh where to begin. The past couple of weeks have been absolutely crazy. I have gotten a new job. PTL. I am possibly moving into my own apartment soon, which will be another answered prayer. And God has just been amazing.

I am currently working at Helena Chemical. At first, i was extremely nervous. New job and all, but every day brings some more confidence into my life. I have been able to do things i thought i would have never been able to do. I have been able to catch up with an old roommate who works out there as well. I only had one concern after beginning to work out there. I will end up being the only female working with a bunch of guys and truck drivers. Now the whole thing of them being males does not bother me, but the language that is spoken at this place does raise huge red flags for me. I began to pray and seek God to see if this was where He actually wanted me. In my teenage years I always struggled with cursing, and until starting this new job, I thought I had it under control. The other day I received conformation for a couple of ladies that yes this is where God wants me for the time being. It frees up my nights and weekends for the most part, which is time that I spend with friends and family and my youth kids. And for the two weeks that i have been there God has shown me favor. My manager, who is not a Christian man, asked if I needed of early on Wednesday night for youth group and then Thursday morning asked what we had taught our youth kids the past night. I was amazed that he even would ask about it.

I have also begun a new journey of teaching a class at Victory House, which is a teen challenge center. The first night went very well. Through these girls God has been showing me alot. A revelation that I just got sitting here typing is that God wants our kids to be brought up in a safe environment and if some parents cant provide that He will find someone who is willing and will provide a Christian home. God is always looking out for us and will protect His children at all cost. No one can pluck us from the hand of God. John 10:28. No one can!!!

To me tonight that is such an encouragement. If I stay in Gods will for my life, no one can take me away from Him and He will always have my back in every situation that I will have to face.

This is all for this time. God will provide you a way out of the situation that you are in.

The Window to Our souls

This past days and weeks the phrase 'the eyes are the windows to our souls' has been running through my head. What does that exactly mean? Can you truly see the who a person really is? What is about the eyes that make them the window to the soul? Why?
Ever since I have been a kid, i have always noticed a persons eyes. It would meet someone new and if i was really interested in the person, i would look at there eyes. At that age i was only noticing the color of the eyes and that is as far as it went. Never anything deeper. But as i have grown older, i have begun noticing that the eyes of a person hold many secrets. Through the eyes you can see if the person is genuinely interested or just being nice. You can see anger or kindness. You can see the joy or sadness of that person. You can see love or hatred.
Last night as i was sitting and talking to a friend, i saw something in his eyes that i had never noticed before. There was a genuine care and love in them. Not to sound corny or anything but it was one of those looks that any girl would kill to get.
Although this friend and i only have a friendship, God showed me last night a glimpse of what He has prepared for me in the future. That there is a man out there that will look at me in the same way. That will love and appreciate me. And all i have to do is wait. So i encourage any single girl that reads this, that God has a special person planned for you that when you look into his eyes you will completely melt. Last night i got a taste of it and a hope that the day is coming and most likely coming sooner than I think.
And this is my prayer, that your love may abound you more and more in the knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ. Philippians 1:9-10